Seeking 'My People': The Quest for Adult Friendships
It's weird. It's hard. The honest truth about navigating friendship as a grownup
The Card of the Day…
From my daily habit of pulling out a random one from my Tarot deck early in the morning tells me to open my heart to the possibilities of new relationships and to follow the leading of my emotions... What a risky and frivolous venture that is. How absolutely irresponsible and most unwise of a suggestion.
That might have been overly dramatic. But as an adult, it has been my experience that making new friends now is even more awkward than it was when I was a pre-teen. Oh, and it was tragically awkward back then when I would have sold my soul itself just to have the most popular fashions and fads of the time. Back when I wasn't rooted in my identity and when I often compared my worth to that of the other girls my age (mine was always less).
“As an adult, it has been my experience that making new friends now is even more awkward than it was when I was a pre-teen.”
But now, I possess a much more developed perception of who I am as a whole woman in this society, and I thankfully value myself to an exponentially greater degree--above everyone else, actually. Not in a narcissistic or arrogant way, but in the way that affirms my priceless uniqueness and my precious individual presence.
That's not to say that I never experience moments of insecurity and self-doubt; because I surely do. I only mean that today, I have a larger view of the world and myself. And there's also my continuing journey of irretrievably loving myself and the total acceptance of who I am while still striving towards who I'd like to become.
But when I dare attempt to throw "friends" into the familiar mix of my life, challenges quickly emerge. Mechanisms fail. Why is it so difficult to make new friends as a grownup?.. Having other adult friends who perhaps share some of my more rare interests, or who face the same life circumstances that I do seems like a far-off, hazy dream. Like something that we may talk about theoretically, but don't get to actually experience in reality.
How, exactly, do I go about acting on the card’s guidance to "open up" and make myself available for this possibility of new friendships?.. There isn't a special car tag or tee shirt dedicated to this purpose. No symbol, no secret handshake, no anything. And even more concerning, I ask how do I make friends with "my type" of people? The type of people who fit nicely alongside of me on my journey, and who remind me that I’m actually not alone in this.
“And even more concerning, I ask how do I make friends with "my type" of people? The type of people who fit nicely alongside of me on my journey, and who remind me that I’m actually not alone in this.”
I now recall the one wild time that I really put out a public Craigslist ad with my photo and introduction inside specifically for the purpose of meeting new acquaintances to get to know and potentially have conversations with, have meals with, and to go different places with. How could I ever forget that decision of mine?.. The idea back then was to become social with enough people that surely some of them would develop into meaningful, significant relationships.
And the results from this experiment?.. They were actually mind-blowing. Instantly, I found myself quite amused at suddenly having pleasant text message conversations with several different people all at the same time as I sat there staring in awe at my frequently buzzing cell phone: there were many relieved women who were lacking in friendships like me, and there were isolated men with mostly unclear motivations, and then there were the men's wives by necessity.
I enjoyed myself for quite a few days in this way... I joyfully proposed vague coffee dates with several people, discussed my favorite music with them, and even saw photos of their families. Sadly, that's all that came from my grand experiment: temporary fun. I accepted this for what it was, which was a welcome distraction to me.
The truth is that I find the maintenance required in the care of friendships to be completely exhausting to me, as a certain type of neurodivergent individual with social anxieties as well. I don't intend to behave distantly or to appear uninterested... These are the things that appear to be true but couldn't be more separated from the facts. In fact, I consider myself to become very quickly attached to the people who would become my friends, consumed by my exciting daydreams of our future adventures together and the delicious feelings of having met someone compatible.
I would like to say that I do desire more adult friendships currently. I'm not nearly at capacity yet. I could stand to have more connection, more conversations, more sharing, and more appreciation in my life. I'd love to make new friends. I don't know why. I think most people want the same thing.
I consider publishing an online ad again with my picture and a paragraph to filter through the public and isolate an ideal population of "my people", a beautiful pool of kindred souls to touch when I'm needing the companionship. I won't do this, of course, and that’s because I have this platform to express the inner leadings of my heart from.
“I consider publishing an online ad again with my picture and a paragraph to filter through the public and isolate an ideal population of "my people"…”
I have now written a letter--to a friend--from this special space of mine, and it's my hope that it reaches the correct recipients for “my type” of friendship. This is an invitation, then, for them all to come and experience the parts of who I am that resonate with their specific quirks and particulars just right. It's completely safe to do so.
It can be so awkwardly challenging to form deeper, meaningful relationships with other adults like myself. It helps that at this stage of my life I'm secure in my own identity, which makes it simple enough for others to decide if they prefer my company, or not. And I appreciate this quality in others as well.
Each of us is out here seeking the same kind of connection with others that I describe. Deep inside, we all desire moments with others during which our life touches theirs and leaves us feeling as if our own uniqueness is acknowledged and celebrated to some small degree, and that we're much less alone for it.
Action Item:
My Action Item for you is predictably simple: Take the opportunity to make a thoughtful connection with one other individual before I meet you here again next time. Whether this looks like writing a letter, commenting on a post, or sending an email, lean in to the possibilities that follow having the open heart that my daily Tarot card advised about.
And if you find someone that does make you feel like you simply belong--cherish it. Because the real magic of friendship and connection is in its truth.
Thank you for spending some time with me today. I can’t wait to hear all about the connections you’re forming, the reflections you’re having, and what’s alive in your heart. You’ve always got a friend right here at The Clarity Call.
Take care of you,
♡ Cheniece P
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I read this piece nodding my head with every sentence! Making friends as grown up is an experience 😅 I don’t think I’ve ever put myself out there more than I have in the past few years in the hopes of finding my people. It gets to be emotionally exhausting when you think you’ve found someone then they ghost you 😅 I also love your call to action!!
You’re not alone! I’m grateful this platform connected us. I appreciate your warmth and energy!
I love you are pulling cards by the way! And yes it’s so true that forming friendships becomes more challenging as you get older. That’s cool you had such an experience with meeting others through a Craigslist ad and why not do it again?